This post is dedicated to a few special people.... to Kari for the blessing of the computer and for believing in my dreams. Also to Jim and Debbie, thank you for believing in me, encouraging me, for your constant prayer and for all of the blessings....including my sanctuary! I would not be blogging tonight if it were not for all of you! Much love and blessings!
Every branch in me that does not bear fruit he takes away, and every branch that does bear fruit he prunes, that it may bear more fruit. John 15:2 ESV
It happens each year. I anxiously await the buds of my Rhododendron bushes to pop. The bushes line my driveway and surround my front porch. When the buds begin to pop and reveal their bursts of color, I can trust that again a new season of Spring is on the horizon. The cold dark days of winter are over.
However, I am always saddened that it seems that their colorful blossoms seem to drop quicker than it takes them to bloom. A couple of spring showers leave their blossoms over the driveway and others are picked by the chubby fingers of a now 6 year old boy and placed in plastic cups around our home.
When all of the blossoms have dropped, I always drive up to the same scenario. My husband, the gifted landscaper cutting away the limbs that once held the beautiful existence of the first sign of Spring. My heart always breaks to know that it will be many months before my heart leaps for joy for their beauty to be revealed. I argue each year, that he is making the Rhododendron's "look ugly" and that he is pruning them way too early. He always reassures me that this is the best time to prune because "you must prepare for the next season's bloom", and it must be "the right time."
Looking back at the past several months, I can say that this has been the season in my life has been the season of pruning. God has taken away dead, weightless branches that did not bear fruit and he has pruned other branches, so that during the next season they will bear more fruit. While this process has been downright painful at times, I have also learned to not resist the pruning shears. For I know that my Heavenly Father is making me into something that could not have happened without the proper pruning.
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28
I have felt all of the emotions during the past 6 months. Really. Every. Single. Emotion. On the day that my husband called me on the way home from work and told me that he had been pulled into a meeting at church and his position was cut due to budget cuts. Can I tell you the first emotion that I felt? Relief. Granted, that emotion only lasted 2 seconds, quickly followed by anger, sadness and fear. But for 2 seconds I felt relief. You see, I had prayed for 2 years for a prayer to be answered and in that moment it made complete sense why God had not answered my prayer. Prior to that moment, I felt that he was allowing good things to happen to everyone around me, but that he had forgot about my prayer. However, He knew that my husband's position would be eliminated. He also knew that he needed to keep me where I was because our problems would have been so much greater if He would have answered my prayer in the way in which I wanted.
However, I wish that I could tell you that during this 6 months I have kept my composure, good attitude and encouraged others that God is doing good things even when we cannot see it, but sadly I have not. I have failed miserably at that. I have wallowed in my pain. I have wrestled with God. I have been completely and utterly honest that I was really really mad and I couldn't believe that a good God was allowing this to happen. I told him that I couldn't believe that my husband's passion was gone. Gone was income that we counted on and the financial situation that was just beginning to make sense. We chose to walk away from the church family that we loved as close family members because it crushed our hearts to drive by the church, let alone worship in the sanctuary. A chunk of my heart felt....gone.
I also wish that I could tell you that I clung to God, that I trusted him completely with this situation and I read my Bible and prayed more, but sadly I did not. I began to resist my Heavenly Father. I began to get angry and my heart began to feel thick and heavy, like stone. I began to believe that God had no other purpose for my husband and I. Life felt chaotic.
But through all of my actions and emotions, God stayed the same just like his word says he will.
"For I the Lord do not change." Malachi 3:6 MSG
"Return to me and I will return to you." Malachi 3:7 MSG
All of that changed on the night of my Birthday at a Christian concert after hearing a band called "I Am They". I was gifted concert tickets in January, days before my husband was informed of the budget cuts. The gifter of the tickets was unaware that the concert was on my Birthday, but it was the biggest blessing and the "game changer" of this entire story. I sat on the third row in the auditorium and I heard each member of the band tell their testimonies and how they "thought" that God would never use them after going through the pain of drug abuse, prison, divorce and addictions. However, God specializes in second chances and I began to realize that He could do that in my life as well.
Slowly, I began to realize that my game was not over and God still has work to do in me and through me. I began to see that God was only pruning me throughout this season. And this pruning was not for punishment, but for rescue. God was only trimming back the branches, so that other branches could flourish. God is using this season to draw others to him and so that I can also concentrate on other gifts and abilities that my husband and I can use to glorify God. I began to pursue God in a more intimate relationship and life began to make sense again. My hardened heart began to feel lighter as I began to be in constant companionship with the Heavenly Father once again.
I have also learned to trust what God says in His word. I have found comfort in Joel 2:25, "He will give you back what you lost..." So even during those times where I do not see the money coming in, I miss the opportunities and friendships that I had, I remind myself of this verse and know that God is not finished yet and his timing is perfect.
I have also loved always being able to bless others, but I have also learned during this season that it is okay to accept blessings from others....this has been difficult for me. However, I know the joy that I experience when I am able to deliver a home cooked meal to a sick person or to bless someone financially. When I refuse the blessings that others want to bless me with, I am robbing someone of a joyful blessing.
As of right now, I do not know what the future holds for my family and I. However, I am learning to praise God during this season and for the pruning for I know that, just like my rhododendrons we will come back bearing more blossoms next season!
Much Love and Blessings!!
